May 21, 2010

take this whole of me

i love this girl so much, she's an inspiration to me. hopefully some day i'll be as hot as her haha

i wish i could have one of those pull-up bar things. so hardcore. i probably wouldn't even be able to use it yet though, my arms are still so weak. XD i've been focusing harder and pushing myself when it comes to my running though, and i'm just under 5 miles in 30 minutes. getting back up to my old records when i ran more regularly. i WILL get to 5 miles. determination.

 more inspiration, especially her arms. dang, Madonna. i hope like hell i can look this good by the time i'm 30, much less into my 50's or 60's or however old you are now!

i guess i've been going through another mood shift lately. i hesitate to call it depression because it's not like the normal depressions i sometimes experience, but something slightly different. i guess intense loneliness and feelings of isolation that make me feel sad? i don't really have that many close friends anymore and it makes me sad, even though it's mostly my fault. i can get so caught up in wanting my alone time and my dislike of talking on the phone that it makes people think i don't care about them. but there's also stuff like people getting married or into other serious relationships and having kids and moving away and stuff. everyone's giving their love to someone else and i guess the immature side of me gets a little jealous. i just miss having emotional closeness to someone. not romantically or anything, but just being able to feel like i can talk to someone about just about anything. it's been a long time since i've felt like i can be my authentic self with someone...or as close as i'm able to allow. i'm also open to meeting people, but it seems like the older i get the harder it is to meet people and much less befriend them enough to forge that certain kind of bond. i also feel like even when i do make a connection with someone i'm crippled by my fears that they don't like me as much as i like them, that i'm annoying them or driving them away somehow, or whatever. but i think i'm getting better at reigning in my insecurities.

i feel like such a dork when i blog about my personal life or feelings. i desperately want to be one of those rakishly handsome, lone-wolf people who is totally mysterious and has a very private life that they don't reveal, making them all the more mysterious and intriguing. but i guess maybe that's just not me. XD i guess inside i'll always be a whiny teenager wanting to pour my innermost (usually angsty) feelings into some kind of outlet, whether it be notebooks or livejournal or this blog.

i'm also listening to a lot of the cure and claire voyant haha. so obsessed with this song right now.
YouTube: Calire Voyant - "Pieces"