pony warriors

here's a secret. sometimes i wish i was a my little pony. i wish i lived in a world of giggles and sunshine and meeting friendly, pony-like variations of monsters.

for the longest time i've wanted there to be a MLP role playing video game. preferably for the DS, but any console would be good. where you could customize your own pony and go on any adventures you want to in pony world. XD

i'm thinking about maybe figuring out how to create my own MLP table-top RPG, but i'm really not sure how to go about doing it. and i don't know if anyone would play with me. T___T

EDIT: waaaah, so sad when i scrolled down and realized this was a joke! TT____TT  MLP RPG announced.  but i guess at least there's this site as a guideline.

nannaba nannaba nannaba

i was a guest on a Podcast with Ross and Nick's 50th podcast! i sound awful and didn't really have anything interesting to say, but it was fun.

last saturday went to a screening of a 35 mm version of Hausu (psst, you can watch it here for free) with Mike, Rob and Amy. the theatre was SO WEIRD, it was like this old abandoned school that was renovated to somewhat accommodate theaters, but you could still tell it used to be a school, and the whole thing was operated and attended solely by the absolute worst variety of snobby art school fashion victim hipster kids. but it was a really cool experience. i really enjoyed seeing the move on the big screen, and it really allowed me to notice things i hadn't before. it made me realize this movie had gone from just some curiosity of its weird themes and uses of horror and animation to genuinely wiggling its way into my heart as a lovable, bad movie.

my friend Mike who is a film geek also brought up an interesting point afterward that i hadn't thought of: that in western movies humor is used as this stress-relieving element to diffuse scary situations and to put the audience at ease before setting up the next big scare, but at least in Hausu, it seems like maybe they did something similar, but using absurdity instead of traditional humor. it could also have to do with various cultural aspects that we just don't get, but i think that's a pretty interesting idea.

oh, and this has been a big week for me because as of monday, i finally ran 5 miles in 30 minutes!!! :)  actually, 5.357 miles ;) and tuesday i did over 5 again, 5.2 something, without really trying. i feel pretty accomplished.

my parents and brother and sister-in-law are coming to visit this weekend. both excited and nervous about that.

take this whole of me

i love this girl so much, she's an inspiration to me. hopefully some day i'll be as hot as her haha

i wish i could have one of those pull-up bar things. so hardcore. i probably wouldn't even be able to use it yet though, my arms are still so weak. XD i've been focusing harder and pushing myself when it comes to my running though, and i'm just under 5 miles in 30 minutes. getting back up to my old records when i ran more regularly. i WILL get to 5 miles. determination.

 more inspiration, especially her arms. dang, Madonna. i hope like hell i can look this good by the time i'm 30, much less into my 50's or 60's or however old you are now!

i guess i've been going through another mood shift lately. i hesitate to call it depression because it's not like the normal depressions i sometimes experience, but something slightly different. i guess intense loneliness and feelings of isolation that make me feel sad? i don't really have that many close friends anymore and it makes me sad, even though it's mostly my fault. i can get so caught up in wanting my alone time and my dislike of talking on the phone that it makes people think i don't care about them. but there's also stuff like people getting married or into other serious relationships and having kids and moving away and stuff. everyone's giving their love to someone else and i guess the immature side of me gets a little jealous. i just miss having emotional closeness to someone. not romantically or anything, but just being able to feel like i can talk to someone about just about anything. it's been a long time since i've felt like i can be my authentic self with someone...or as close as i'm able to allow. i'm also open to meeting people, but it seems like the older i get the harder it is to meet people and much less befriend them enough to forge that certain kind of bond. i also feel like even when i do make a connection with someone i'm crippled by my fears that they don't like me as much as i like them, that i'm annoying them or driving them away somehow, or whatever. but i think i'm getting better at reigning in my insecurities.

i feel like such a dork when i blog about my personal life or feelings. i desperately want to be one of those rakishly handsome, lone-wolf people who is totally mysterious and has a very private life that they don't reveal, making them all the more mysterious and intriguing. but i guess maybe that's just not me. XD i guess inside i'll always be a whiny teenager wanting to pour my innermost (usually angsty) feelings into some kind of outlet, whether it be notebooks or livejournal or this blog.

i'm also listening to a lot of the cure and claire voyant haha. so obsessed with this song right now.
YouTube: Calire Voyant - "Pieces"

pain

short comic

don't know any lullaby

in one of those "why do i even bother?" moods. as in when real life sucks so much and i don't have any real money to pay my real bills and am in real danger of being really fucked, why do i bother with shit like living in fantasy worlds and drawing fucking ridiculous comics that no one cares about but me? it's the same as this blog. why do i even do it? it's like pissing into the ethers or whatever. but i guess i already know the answer. it's all i've got right now. maybe all i've ever had. whether that's good or bad, sad or not, whether i like it or not, doesn't matter. it just is what it is.

anyway. mostly scripting right now which is kind of a challenge for me. but i am having a lot of fun playing with things, especially these two characters. here's Spike and Lynette when they were in some immediately post-apocalyptic military together where they first meet.

and about 5 seconds later, this happens:

and just for the record, yes, Spike is female.

can't get hard when you try to fight me

sad to hear about Frank Frazetta's passing. not an uber fan or anything, but his stuff was probably one of my earliest influences, on an artistic as well as personal level. his work meant a lot to me. while other male artists are drawing impossible pseudo-human exaggerations of women  poured into skimpy outfits no matter what the circumstances, Frazetta was drawing women with cellulite and jelly rolls that were still confident enough to sport pasties and loin cloths while they slayed monsters or went hunting with their saber tooth tigers.

this piece, in particular, had a very strong impact on a very young me. not only does it transport you to another place and time where the suspense is palatable, but the central figure, the woman, always haunted me. seeing how regal,celebrated, and yet vulnerable, she is in this painting made me think that maybe, just maybe, it might mean that i was a little bit pretty, too. i think that's the closest i ever came to feeling represented in any kind of positive light by any sort of art or media as a young teen, so thank you for that, Mr. Frazetta. <3

difficulty

so tired. work keeps getting harder and i can't seem to sleep these days.

being delirious doesn't seem to be as much fun as it used to be.

watching lots of old movies. reading lots of random stuff.


i guess April was sexual assault awareness month, and it totally got by me. so as a late offering, i present this very eye-opening essay. i love the idea/term of "not-rape" presented by the author, and the call to bring attention to more ambiguous forms of sexual assault that are not rape, but also devastating.
An Essay on the Not-Rape Epidemic

as someone who is simply fascinated by sexuality in its myriad of forms (or even its nonexistence), i just found this really interesting, and perhaps even insightful as to how many thoughts/emotions other than just plain ol' sexual desire factor into the decision for a person - sexual or not - to have, or not have, sex.
Reasons other than Sexual Attraction that People Have Sex

growing up well-tightened beneath the Bible Belt, i read the Bible pretty extensively as a teenager and young adult; mainly because for one, i thought it was interesting in the ways i find all religious and folklore mythologies interesting, but also in order to shield myself from the inevitable barrage of misquoted Bible verses and misinterpreted teachings wielded against me like a weapon in order to forcefully convert me. and while i still recall some rather amusing tidbits (such as Leviticus, often quoted as proof of God's condemnation of homosexuality, also condemns everything from tattoos to having contact with women while they are menstruating. or that as Elisha is on his way to Bethel, he's heckled by some "youths," so he prays and God sends a couple of bears out of the woods that maul and kill the jerks.), i still had no idea that there was a part of the Bible that contained a recipe for making bread, or that it tasted awful, and that it probably tasted awful because the recipe includes HUMAN FECES. you learn something new every day.
EzekielBread: Made with Human Feces

where to go from here?

i came to an epiphany at some point in the past couple days that the main recurring theme in my life that i keep running into is the feeling of inadequacy.

yesterday's make up.

 watched Some Like it Hot tonight. i liked that Jack Lemmon was happy as a woman impersonator and wanted to marry a man, even if for superficial reasons, until Tony Curtis had to rain on his parade with all his straight white male propaganda. I have to admit though, I kept silently admiring the filmmakers' gigantic balls for making what was most assuredly a very controversial gender-bending and Marilyn Monroe boob-ogling comedy at the time. Marilyn's wardrobe (and body) was distractingly hot. as was her kiss with Tony Curtis in drag.

posting this mainly as a note to myself, but also because it is awesome:
TCM: Race in Hollywood: Native American Images on Film