too real

i think trying to help other artistic people i care about to find motivation is one of my least favorite things. i hate seeing people i care about unhappy, and on top of that, i feel like i’m all thumbs, hopelessly inadequate, especially because i have a hard time finding motivation myself. i know what it’s like to work full time and suffer from depression to the point where you only have a couple hours to yourself after work every week, and you’re so exhausted and sad that you can’t bring yourself to do anything but eat, shower and maybe watch some tv before bed. i came the closest to ending my life i’ve ever come because of my state of mind at that time; because my mental well-being was actually withering up and dying because i wasn’t able to create art, among other things. and i don’t know what to tell other people in similar situations because the only solution i was able to come to was quitting my job, even though i couldn’t really afford to. thankfully i have a supportive partner who was willing and able to support me, and if he wasn’t willing or able to, i would have been able to go back to my home state and live with my parents or other family…i wouldn’t have liked having to do that at all, but i had that option. a lot of people don’t have those options at all.

the best advice i can give anyone is just do it. one of my biggest pet peeves is when people see other people doing something cool, like knitting, drawing, making music, whatever, and say “that’s so cool! i wish i could do that.” i’m guilty of this myself, but it makes me want to say “then just do it.” because i realized that the only thing we’re born knowing how to do is eat and poop…you gotta learn everything else. maybe someone is more predisposed to being good at something, or making it look easy, but they had to learn too, the same as you do. i realized i can get rid of the majority of my bad feelings about not being productive enough if i just be productive. my productivity still isn’t as good as others’; i’m probably quite slow by comic artist standards, and i still kick myself a bit for it, but i’m still creating. because i remember how bad and dark being at a complete stop felt. i might slow down, but i never want to let myself stop, ever again.

but i also know there are plenty of artists who are working a day job to survive like i was (and most likely will again), who have mental health problems like i do, who get worn down by the daily grind and feel less than human, like they can’t think, much less work on the things that are beneficial for their mental health and well-being anymore. i know because i was there. and they ask me what they can do, and i want to tell them “just do it,” but i know that doesn’t work when you’re in that state of mind. so i don’t know what to tell them. i wish i did.

sailor moon saved my life

i watched this episode of Sailor Moon on a day i was feeling my depression really hard, and i wanted to vanish...and this scene brought me to tears. i felt like Sailor Moon/Neo Queen Serenity was talking directly to me, telling me that i'm surrounded by people who care, that she believes in me, and not to give up. i felt so much better after Usagi told me i'm not alone. :,)

i think i finally understand how a lot of people feel about their favorite heroes in comics...that's how i feel about Sailor Moon. i've never been into super hero comics and never really understood their appeal, but maybe now i do a little. i fell in love with Sailor Moon from the very first time i saw one of the horribly dubbed episodes on local cable tv...even though i hate getting up early and like sleeping in, i would get up extra early just to watch it. it was unlike anything i'd ever seen before...ordinary girls who became super heroines. and their leader, Usagi, was clumsy, did badly in school, and liked to eat too much and goof off...this was the first heroine i could ever really relate to! everyone loved Usagi because she had such a pure, giving heart, full of love for everyone. i think even for me.

Sailor Moon's always been my biggest hero, but now especially, more than ever. all of the sailor soldiers, and so many other characters in general are so great...my other favorite senshi, Sailor Jupiter, taught me that it was okay to be a big, boyish girl, and i shouldn't let that stop me from doing things i want to do. Luna, for always trying her hardest and even jumping into the fray, even though she's just a small kitty without any offensive super powers, she never gives up. and Sailor Uranus, my androgynous idol, helped me to feel more comfortable about my queerness long before i really figured it out. i really want to read the manga, but they're so hard to find/expensive...hopefully some day.

Sailor Moon Transformation Make Up Tutorial by Michelle Phan, YouTube

this video also made me tear up, i mean the message at the end, skip to about 8:08...it's so true. i want to try harder to make my dreams come true, and stop letting stuff hold me back. i want to start imagining myself as a super hero, like Sailor Moon, a sailor senshi, when i get scared, or feel powerless. i want to be brave, and full of love, like Usagi. thank you, Naoko Takeuchi, for giving me my hero.

thank you, Sailor Moon.

why must i stay here

a customer snuck up on me at work and caught me drawing this, then laughed and said it was funny...hmm, okay....

i haven't been posting/drawing much because i've been going through some stuff...i was (am?) in a really bad place with my depression and anxiety issues, and that combined with my job caused me to lose all passion and interest in life, and things i used to enjoy, like drawing. i knew i couldn't go on living this way much longer, so i reached out and am seeing a therapist for the first time in my adult life. it's a bit nerve-wracking for someone like me, but i'm beginning to feel like there's hope again. i started a new livejournal, dinosaurblood.livejournal.com, mainly as a coping strategy since i basically didn't have one, or utilized really counterproductive ones. it's mainly just me ruminating way too much about pointless stuff and venting about my personal stresses and trying to make sense out of my sad, rambling mind, so i totally understand if you don't want to be my lj friend and read it.

otherwise...i don't like my job and am going to start looking for another one. i'm reading a lot, that's one of the few things i still get enjoyment out of. oh, and Sailor Moon. i got Rob to start watching it with me and now we're slowly rewatching the entire series from the beginning. everything is going to be okay.

don't forget me

my christmas haul:

from Rob:
the entire Jem series dvd box set
the Last Unicorn hardcover graphic novel

from parents:
ipod touch 4G
hello kitty booties to wear around the house
a dressy blouse
new sheets/comforter
new underwear
a 2012 calendar of cats sleeping
a bath and bodyworks Paris Amore gift set (love this smell, i needed a new "signature fragrance")

oh, and a Wooly Willy.

from Nana:
super comfy socks
a bag of mixed nuts
weird christmas tree ornaments


and money/gift cards from various other family members.

it was a good christmas, though i was never really able to feel all cozy, or however you're supposed to feel. i guess because i'm so old, and because it was kind of surreal coming home for christmas but being in a totally different house i've never been in before. but my parents' new house is very beautiful, and i'm happy for them. i just wish it wasn't up this crazy steep hill on like a gravel road.

whenever i visit the south again i have this weird anxiety, because although i'm from there and i guess part of it will always be with me, it feels like a past life i'm revisiting, and everyone just knows me as who i was, not the person i've become, and it feels kind of mortifying. it's hard to explain. but i'm very grateful for all the people in my life who care about me and truly know me. it's good to be reminded of all the good things i have going and all the good people i have surrounding me in my life.

rolling with the punches

i feel like depression's trying to set in again....i know i'm not thinking/feeling anything new or that hasn't already been felt by most people a billion times before, and in the grand scheme of things none of it matters anyway, but......blah. i feel directionless and purposeless, meaningless. sometimes i think of death as a positive alternative to things because at least it's something new and unknown, and is exciting in that way...even if it turns out nothing happens when you're dead, at least you stop being disappointed.

lately i'm obsessed with chubby/fat girls that have comparatively tiny hands and feet.

put my love on ice

last week my house got vandalized, robbed...somebody threw a brick through the window, scared my pets half to death and made off with the flatscreen tv, the xbox, the wii, all the games, my DS, and my camera. they left lots of fingerprints and they were good, the detective says, but who knows if that'll go anywhere...i'm just glad they didn't take my computer, i don't know what i'd do. i was pretty shaken up about it at first, but i've kinda become ambivalent...i don't really care about stuff, but i really hate the outside world and my home was like a safe little fortress i could retreat to to get away, and now it feels violated...but i'm not having trouble sleeping anymore. human beings are shit, i already knew this. i learned nothing new, except the expanses of my naivety i didn't eve know i had left.

...i don't think anyone ever misses me. i don't let it slow me down.

it's the only way to live

i got a car!!! it happened suddenly. i wasn't even looking for her. but then i saw her, and after being inside her, i knew i must have her. things worked out pretty good. i don't think i was very savvy, but maybe i didn't come off as too much of a country bumpkin dumbass either. anyway, i really like her.

i think i'm going to call her Ramona.



otherwise...i'm happy that it's Buster Keaton month on TCM.

ache like i ache

so i've been buying a lot of clothes lately because it's the first time in years i've had any disposable income,  and also i've been wanting to update my wardrobe for quite some time. anyway, today i decided that while i do have a lot of old t-shirts, seeing as that's primarily what i used to wear, i have very few band t-shirts. so i went online to see if i could find any for my favorite bands.

and...nothing. i mean, i guess i could get a band t-shirt for some band i kinda like, or if i just like the t-shirt or whatever, but i feel like i have to feel pretty passionately about someone/something if i'm going to give them my money so i can be a walking advertisement to them, haha. i was looking around at shops that specifically sell music shirts and i don't even know who the hell like 80% of the bands/artists are on them anymore. i guess i've never been a huge music aficionado, i don't really seem to be as into music as a lot of people are, but man. feelin' so old these days. a lot of the time i find myself wondering if my best days are behind me. it's like i'm having a quarter-life crisis or something. i feel like everyone else i see is doing something, or they at least have a plan, know exactly what they're aiming for, whereas i'm just here, not really sure about anything, especially what i want. maybe that's just delusion, though. i have been known to suffer from constant fits of "the grass is always greener" syndrome.

Hole - "Doll Parts", youtube

give me a reason to care about anything.

in your dreams

an image i had in my head all day...hopefully one day i will get to make it a finished piece.

Apna Desh musical scene, YouTube
Hum Kaale Hain To from Gumnaam, YouTube

listened to this really interesting story about a guy's quest for spiritual enlightenment that took him to india where he met what he was sure was the current incarnation of buddha, and through a bizarre series of events went from not believing in reincarnation at all to being confident that he had been the buddha's horse and been with him in thousands of lives, and came full circle on this journey of spiritual enlightenment. it made me wish something similar could happen to me. but i can't afford to go to india and study under a yogi, or cloister myself in the woods and write, or go to the desert and have peyote-induced spiritual journeys.

maybe the whole idea about finding your personal truth and reaching spiritual transcendence is that it happens in its own way, whenever the time is right. at least i hope.

downtrodden

page 6

the Darkness - I Believe in a Thing Called Love video, YouTube
it kinda weirds me out that the lead singer of the Darkness looks a bit like an ex of mine, haha.

i guess my parents' house is totally destroyed. all my childhood toys and my old diaries and shit are gone. kind of depressing.

so tired/bored with everything.

i need a vacation in the worst way.

wanna go for a ride?

i know i've been bad and not keeping up with the daily sketches. -_-;  work, blah, blah, tired, blah, working on website, blah, blah, blah. i have been sketching in my sketchbook more, but i'm just too damn lazy to use a scanner.

but...! good news is Dinogeddon is finally online!! :D i mean, it's already online, but, you know. it has its own little site now. ;)

one of my friends at work is an intuitive supposedly, and she read my cards the other day. i guess everything she said was pretty accurate. i need to work on some things. but she said i'm on "the right path," and pretty soon it'll start to pay off and good things will start coming my way. haha i hope so!

Smashing Pumpkins - "Zero" , YouTube

dying from memory

my sketch for Project Basement vol. 2 is up on audioshocker.com! the theme this time is least favorite characters, heheh.

going through a pretty bad depression lately, but i think (hope?) i'm pulling out of it. i hate how my depression leads to me stagnating, which leads to even more depression. such a vicious cycle. stagnation is my biggest problem. i think maybe the best (only?) way to get through it is to work myself through it. the stuff i produce might suck, but at least i'm producing.

Bette Davis

lightning strike scars!

i kind of like this idea

esta noche

feeling very lazy and uninspired lately. :| same old crap. "do i really have what it takes??" blah blah blah.

gave my parents a copy of Sugar Ninjas. they seemed really proud and happy, but like they really didn't get it. they were horrified by the other comics with sex and swear words in them. what will they think if i ever publish Dinogeddon? heh.

my trip to Alabama kinda sucked. probably the worst trip i ever took. i usually defend the south as not being as bad as a lot of people stereotype it as being, and i guess there are some cool people and places, but this trip kinda made me sad because i think maybe it is just as horrible as i was always afraid it was. it makes me feel a little ashamed of everything about where and who i come from. does that make me bad? like if anybody met my family, they'd probably be really scared/horrified, haha. i used to find a sad, desperate kind of comedy in sitting in a Kentucky Waffle House next to the freeway by a Motel 6, listening to a toothless grandpa proudly talk about dressing himself and his grandkids up as cowboys for their christmas photos, and a poodle-permed, bleach-blonde former beauty queen mom with a twangy accent and caked-on make up inquire about a job for the "loser" that knocked-up her daughter. but now it just makes me feel a little sick to my stomach inside when i see/hear these things, like i'm not just a chortling outsider looking down my nose at "simple folk" and rednecks; these people are a part of my DNA, this bible-thumping, racist, homophobic, child briding, hateful culture is inextricably woven into the fabric of who i am. and sometimes it scares me.

really into taking pictures lately. fall just seems so right for it. i think fall would be my favorite season if it weren't proceeded by winter. fall's got the best visuals.
i've been getting paid to do some modeling. yeah, i don't get it either, but i ain't gonna argue.

these are just some pics from when i went to the cider mill to get donuts and cider and pumpkins. the pumpkins were so bright and vivid. and i fed a donut to a goat and some pigs. i still hate ostriches, though. it was trying to peck at me through the wire fence! fuck ostriches.

 

i kind of wish october could go on forever. 

fleshy walls

haven't updated in a while because i haven't really been drawing. haven't been drawing because honestly i haven't been too interested in comics and stuff lately. and i've been working every single day for the past two weeks, and working a lot pretty much kills my creative impulses. i wish i didn't let it do that to me, but it does. plus i'm having issues with my tablet working on my computer AGAIN. sigh. Rob's trying to fix it for me, but i don't know.  i wish i knew what caused my constant stream of computer/tablet problems with three different tablets. sometimes i wonder if i should bite the bullet and just start doing comics the traditional way again.

mainly just watching bad movies and stuff lately. finally finished watching Fear, it was so funny. i think i'll have to do a whole post dedicated to it later. also started watching Swim Fan which is looking pretty awesome too, but i'll have to finish it later.

going down to alabama this weekend to visit family and sort of get away i guess.

lately i'm really interested in photography and maybe getting into it more. i've never taken classes or read books on it or anything, but i've always enjoyed experimenting with it and lately i'm thinking about maybe investing in a decent camera. hmm. here's a self portrait i took today that i liked.

wish i could buy a new soul

new earrings :3 they're leopards. i love them. i can't believe they were selling something this badass at my work.

correcting...fixing...implies something was broken....

staring into the void

...now for a quick run to clear my mind.

standing next to a mountain

i guess i won't get into specifics, but i just found out i have a lot more debts and obligations than i thought i did, which caused me to have a sort of mini-breakdown. i realized that in order to have any hope of digging myself out of my hole and surviving, i'd have to work more at my current job and try to get a second one, ditch any and all activities which require money for quite a while, and that this would probably equal me losing all time/energy/will to work on comics anymore. and to be honest, i felt sorry for myself, but i didn't really give a shit anymore. i'm sure i haven't had a bad life compared to a lot of people. most of the bad or regrettable things that have happened to me happened because i put myself through them. i have a talent for putting myself in bad situations and being permanently stuck with the consequences, forever saddled with the repercussions of a few carelessly-made actions.

i honestly felt like part of me had died, and i mourned it. i was never going to "make it." i would never draw for my supper. i saw myself as all the middle-aged, saggy, aged far beyond their years women i see at work all the time. divorced, alone, miserable, with two or three children, one or two bankruptcies under their belts, usually from a medical emergency or two, working two or three jobs just to keep a roof over the heads of themselves and their families. dead-eyed, tired. if they had ever had dreams or aspirations before, it wasn't there now. when it comes down to it, survival is all that matters. it doesn't matter if life isn't worth living, just as long as you keep living so you can make the cash.

i had given up and resigned myself to a life of artless drudgery last night. i had decided when i got home after my friend's birthday party i would delete/throw away everything that had ever indicated that i had existed in any kind of artistic capacity and disappear into a life of worker bee anonymity. i have never had these kinds of thoughts before, no matter how upset i've been. it was a true low point.

then that night my friend, though drunk, still had the presence of mind to pull me aside and talk to me/lecture me about how i should just get my shit together and go for it. at first i was kind of pissed, because i've had people tell me this before, and they don't understand what it is like living with my crippling insecurities. they don't understand that it's near impossible for me to "just finish something." that for all my "brilliant talent" that i've been "blessed" with, i also have a hair-trigger self-destruct mechanism. but after talking it out and really thinking about it, i think i'm beginning to get a clearer picture of what other people see in me. "Go to Toronto!" he said. "You're the most talented person I know, and also do the least with what you have." i was a little embarrassed that someone was so onto me. i never thought anyone really paid attention. the truth hurts.

so i was hurt. then i felt good. and i kind of flip-flopped all night. and i got drunk. and today i have sores on my feet from walking  a couple miles barefoot on rough concrete. and this morning i called off work to stay home to sleep and drawand think. and maybe this is just bad decision #4,566,675,980, but maybe it is time i "just finish something."

don't nobody know my troubles

just as i finally finished my Dinogeddon script and was beginning to draw, my computer died on me. i guess my ram is the culprit. gonna have to wait a few weeks to get a new one, can't afford it right now.

refusing to admit defeat, i'm borrowing rob's computer for now and hooked my tablet up to it, ready to explode the pages out that have been building up inside me the past few days, only to find my tablet won't work right for some reason. i fucking hate this shitty tablet, goddamn.

also going to have to work more in order to save up cash, which = less drawing time. ugh. i still refuse to admit defeat at this early stage, but i'm beginning to sweat and feel like it will be a fucking miracle if i have this stupid comic done and printed in time for the Toronto expo i hope to attend in august.

also dealing with a bunch of heinous body image issue nonsense.

forgot to mention, but i finally watched Dead Snow with my brother at his suggestion. it was pretty good; nothing too new or revolutionary (except nazi zombies + a zombie story taking place in the snow, i guess), but it was pretty entertaining for what it was. it was fun. i really liked the intestine rope part.

i lied about not writing about personal, mopey stuff anymore.

laugh for no one else

it's been such a whirlwind week, and it's only going to get worse this month. so many weddings to go to, and all the shit that goes with it, plus i have to finish and print a comic in less than two months. i don't hate weddings so much as i hate all the stupid bullshit that people expect you to go through beforehand or else feel like a jerk, at least if you're a girl. there used to be just a shower and then a bachelorette/bachelor party where everyone just relaxed and partied or whatever, right? now there's like three or four different parties where you're required to bring a gift and/or money. it's pretty ridiculous. i don't think i'm going to a friend's bachelorette party because it says in the invitation there'll be a male stripper there, heh. i can't think of anything more horrifying and awkward.

my family was just in town to visit me. it was a frenzied event, and i realized what a practice in frustration and futility it is trying to do anything or have a discussion with my family, but overall it went well, i think. i took them to go eat at a place on the outskirts of downtown detroit and now they think i need to move, haha.

other things:

got these weird, chocolate candy cigarettes at the cool candy store in wyandotte. they taste like shit, but then again i bought them for the packaging.

also got a boss wonder woman notebook for jotting down scripts and ideas and crap, and OMG, PUFFY, GLITTERY my little pony stickers!! with bunnies! XD

Gammy now has a tie, just in time for school pictures.

i cleaned the shit out of the place so my parents wouldn't think i live in the squalor that i normally do, so you could actually see most of my desk! still cluttered with my crap, but that's how i like it. XD

i know there's been a severe absence of art stuff to my blog lately, and i hope to rectify this. i want to try to stop posting as much personal/whiny shit and post more drawings and stuff...since that's what really matters, anyway.

take this whole of me

i love this girl so much, she's an inspiration to me. hopefully some day i'll be as hot as her haha

i wish i could have one of those pull-up bar things. so hardcore. i probably wouldn't even be able to use it yet though, my arms are still so weak. XD i've been focusing harder and pushing myself when it comes to my running though, and i'm just under 5 miles in 30 minutes. getting back up to my old records when i ran more regularly. i WILL get to 5 miles. determination.

 more inspiration, especially her arms. dang, Madonna. i hope like hell i can look this good by the time i'm 30, much less into my 50's or 60's or however old you are now!

i guess i've been going through another mood shift lately. i hesitate to call it depression because it's not like the normal depressions i sometimes experience, but something slightly different. i guess intense loneliness and feelings of isolation that make me feel sad? i don't really have that many close friends anymore and it makes me sad, even though it's mostly my fault. i can get so caught up in wanting my alone time and my dislike of talking on the phone that it makes people think i don't care about them. but there's also stuff like people getting married or into other serious relationships and having kids and moving away and stuff. everyone's giving their love to someone else and i guess the immature side of me gets a little jealous. i just miss having emotional closeness to someone. not romantically or anything, but just being able to feel like i can talk to someone about just about anything. it's been a long time since i've felt like i can be my authentic self with someone...or as close as i'm able to allow. i'm also open to meeting people, but it seems like the older i get the harder it is to meet people and much less befriend them enough to forge that certain kind of bond. i also feel like even when i do make a connection with someone i'm crippled by my fears that they don't like me as much as i like them, that i'm annoying them or driving them away somehow, or whatever. but i think i'm getting better at reigning in my insecurities.

i feel like such a dork when i blog about my personal life or feelings. i desperately want to be one of those rakishly handsome, lone-wolf people who is totally mysterious and has a very private life that they don't reveal, making them all the more mysterious and intriguing. but i guess maybe that's just not me. XD i guess inside i'll always be a whiny teenager wanting to pour my innermost (usually angsty) feelings into some kind of outlet, whether it be notebooks or livejournal or this blog.

i'm also listening to a lot of the cure and claire voyant haha. so obsessed with this song right now.
YouTube: Calire Voyant - "Pieces"

where to go from here?

i came to an epiphany at some point in the past couple days that the main recurring theme in my life that i keep running into is the feeling of inadequacy.

yesterday's make up.

 watched Some Like it Hot tonight. i liked that Jack Lemmon was happy as a woman impersonator and wanted to marry a man, even if for superficial reasons, until Tony Curtis had to rain on his parade with all his straight white male propaganda. I have to admit though, I kept silently admiring the filmmakers' gigantic balls for making what was most assuredly a very controversial gender-bending and Marilyn Monroe boob-ogling comedy at the time. Marilyn's wardrobe (and body) was distractingly hot. as was her kiss with Tony Curtis in drag.

posting this mainly as a note to myself, but also because it is awesome:
TCM: Race in Hollywood: Native American Images on Film